Time for another?
That question. It leaves me with a feeling in the pit of my stomach, not the empty feeling I felt when people used to ask me about the pitter patter of tiny feet before Harry came along. More of an anxious, panic with a little bit anger thrown in. Sometimes I just want to say, ‘tell me about it, have a word with my ovaries will you?!’ But instead I politely smile and say ‘oh not just yet, I’m happy with the one for now’.
It’s not untrue, I’m so happy. Completely filled with love for my darling boy that at times I believed would never arrive. We had a 2 year wait before I fell pregnant with Harry; I know many people have longer struggles to conceive but with a miscarriage in between and no explanation as to why it was taking so long it was a really difficult time. When Harry was born the wait was so worth it and I felt so blessed to be a mum.
I always knew I would like more than one child, back when I was naive enough to think conception happened like the flick of a switch I had visions of at least three, however after all we had gone through I had everything I needed in Harry and I couldn’t even entertain the thought of getting back to that struggle.
I had always thought an age gap of around two and a half years would be ideal (my own thinking or society- I’m still not sure) so I was in no rush to think about trying for a second. Time went by and before I knew it we were creeping closer and closer to Harry’s second birthday, D-day.
Harry’s now about to turn three and it’s starting to feel like the pressures on. I don’t want to become the person I was when I was so desperate to be a mum. That dreaded question always brings those same old feelings back though. I understand why people ask, it’s probably something I would have innocently asked others in the past.
The worst person to ask me though was Harry himself, it broke my heart when he sadly looked to me and said ‘No baby? Mum, Dad and Harry don’t have a baby?’ Am I denying my little boy the playmate he genuinely wants or is it just one of those things that crazy toddlers say. I’m pretty sure it’s the latter, but I still know he would relish having a little buddy.
Each month that passes I feel the age gap getting wider. I think about the school years, comparing it to other families. Why do I feel that? Why does it matter if there are two years or four years between my babies? I know I will love them the same and surely they will still love each other?
I plan to continue enjoying my boy and whether he’s my only or my first I will forever be grateful to be his one and only mama.
You can find Carly on instagram @mrsprestie